My entire life I’ve had an irrational fear of loosing the ones I love, we’re talking a debilitating, nauseating, gut wrenching fear. I once had someone ask me what would happen if I lost someone I loved, at the time I replied, "Well, I’d be heartbroken but I’d have to move forward with life." It’s crazy that this conversation has stuck out in my mind for over ten years. For the longest time I was able to put it in my back pocket. Unfortunately, this year I’ve obviously had to bring that conversation to the forefront of my daily life. The reality is, I miss my dad so freaking much. I have an unexplainable longing to just be in his presence, I am sure those of you who have lost a parent, or a child, or any loved one knows this feeling. My longing has been more obvious to me as I spent time in Albia recently. Every last thing made me beg to just hear my dad hum off key, to tell me how much trouble Flynn is going to cause me, or to tell me to “be careful,” but at the end of those moments, I have to bring myself back to reality. As hard as reality might be, my reality is that I also wholeheartedly believe my dad is with me in every second of every day and along side him is my Uncle Danny, together I know they’re watching over our family, they’re helping us all through this incredibly challenging year and helping us to grow, because ultimately we have no other choice than to move forward.
As an entire family, each of our moving forwards look so different, as for me, my moving forward consist of a cross country move and a chance of a lifetime for Nick and our children. When you have had to meet your biggest fear head on, and you can take a step back and realize everything and everyone came out okay, then you suddenly have the ability to realize what else do you have to loose in life. While moving to New York has had its stressors, there has not been one time that Nick and I have second guessed our move. The untimely job offer, the selling of our home, the heartfelt goodbyes, sadly, not even once was there a second guess. Have you ever heard of the saying "You can't heal in the same place that broke you," Phoenix may not have completely broke me, but it pretty much damn near tried to break every ounce of me, but that can be a post all in itself! So at the end of the day, ultimately you have one chance in life and you get to decide if that fear of change that is lingering inside of you is worth fighting head on.
As we leave Albia tonight and slowly head to New York, I can’t help but think about the date, July 31st, 2019. Today is the six month mark of holding my dad’s hand and helping him transition into his heavenly life, a sacred gift that not everyone gets to share with their loved ones. As hard as our six months have felt, I take so much joy in knowing that my dad has had six beautiful months in a far better place. I additionally am so grateful that as we begin our next journey, I will have my dad and my uncle Danny right there by our sides. Likely arguing, but yet, side by side with drinks in their hands keeping us safe and cheering us on. I also know, that if I had not experienced such profound loss in this last six months, I would not have had such a profound spiritual and personal growth, and with this growth I have been blessed with the ability to move forward.
